Tuesday, March 26, 2013

make you feel loved


More than anything this experience has made me grateful.

I’m grateful for the life I had. The life I have.

Grateful for my parents, for my family. And I don’t think I have ever told them that. I always supposed they knew it, I was just to stubborn to come out and admit it.

I was always encouraged to be me. No matter what that meant. I always knew that whatever me I decided to be, I would be loved and supported. I was given the freedom to do basically whatever I wanted… whenever I wanted. I never felt like I had to be sneaky or lie. I was able to scream and yell and be evil when I needed to be. I was able to say no and yes and make my own decisions about life. My room was always a disaster, I could sit at the kitchen table painting or making clay beads until 1am, and no one cared. I didn't even know what a curfew was. I was able to make my own decisions about religion and my beliefs. I was able to grow up in my own way, with guidance of course, but on my own terms. I became the person I did because of the people I was surrounded by.

I know now the way I grew up was good for me.

Because we didn't play board games or sit around the dinner table talking about our day. We didn't wear matching pastels outfits for Easter and We didn't have to eat cooked vegetables if we didn’t like cooked vegetables. I didn't have to pretend to be anything other than the person I was. I didn’t have to lie about what I thought. I didn’t have to bottle myself up.

We "get" each other, on a level that not everyone does.
And looking back, I am so grateful I was able to experience that kind of love.

I think some time for retrospection was good for me.

I realized the type of people I like being around. The ones who are real. The ones looking for the truth. The ones fighting for something. The ones who give everything they are.  The ones who love unconditionally.

And I realized the type of person I want to be.
I want to be one of those people, that make me love the world, and the people in it.
I want to be happy, and larger than life.
I want to be one of those people that walks into a room, and makes you feel good.
You just feel good.
I want to be one of those people that make you feel loved.

I’m grateful for this year, because it made me realize how lucky I have been, and how lucky I am.

Smile and Nod,

                          Emily

Sunday, March 3, 2013

My Number.

I tried to grow up to fast.
I thought maturity was the most important thing.

I didn’t want anyone to think that I was less than.
I didn’t want anybody to think I couldn’t handle the truth.
I didn’t want to be left out of the world.

I could always see through the lies.
I could always tell when I wasn’t wanted.
I always knew when they thought I didn’t get it.
I could always see through the eyes of the patronizing high and mighty.

The number of years lived, the world put me into a category.

I wasted so much time… trying to prove, I was something more.

Someone….  Better…. Smarter…. Stronger…  than my number.

But I break the same as everyone.

I’m not as strong as you think.
I’m not as mentally sound as I would like to believe.

This exterior of stone
its a lie.

Tired of being put together.
Tired of hearing my own voice,
telling the word how I am
So "ok"

My number…
I wish it was higher

But its not.

And
I'm done trying to prove myself.
I'm done defying time
I’m done pretending that I know what I’m doing.

Im Just Dealing.

Smile and Nod,
                            Emily

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Run

I like everything fast.
I like to see definite results in a day, not a week.
I have a patience level of zero, and no "endurance".

When I do a project for school, I don’t use the two weeks they give. I don’t ever do the "brainstorm sheet" the "first draft" the "peer edit".  Nah, I’m that girl who stays up until 3am the night before trying to finish everything.

Doing something every day and building up little by little. That is probably the hardest thing you could ask me to do.

So I decided to start running.

I HATE running. I don’t think I can even convey how much I seriously dislike this form of exercise.

Running is not something that shows results in a day, running is not something I am good at.

Running is something I have to do repeatedly during the week, The ability to run and run for long periods of time comes by building up your muscles little by little.

I am trying to do what is hard for me. Prove to myself that I can.

I mean… why not?

 
Smile and Nod,
                           Emily

Monday, January 21, 2013

Easy.


People always tell me it will get "easier".

When I  was in elementarily school it was "just wait until middle school, it will get easier." When I was in  middle school I was told "just wait until high school, it will get easier." In high school I was told  "just wait until college, it will get easier."

Those are all lies.

So I moved to Spain, thinking maybe just maybe it would be easier.
and what I am learning is…

It doesn’t matter how far you run, or how fast you try to get there. It doesn’t get easier. Not for me.

Smile and Nod,
                            Emily

Friday, January 11, 2013

Bittersweet


Sometimes I forget… I am a wanderer. I am meant to be alone. It is a choice, a decision I made a long, long time ago, without knowing it.

I suppose, it is who I am meant to be…

In some moment of clarity; in the darkest corner of my mind, I realized something.
People come into my life, and I want to hold on to them, I fall hard, I love hard.

But what I have come to know ohh so well, is that nothing lasts forever. Everything changes… and while I find comfort in this knowledge, it is also rather unsettling.

I fully believe that everything in this life is interconnected. That doesn’t necessarily mean I believe everything happens for a reason… or some sort of great purpose. Simply that the people who impacted my life, did so and I am who I am today, because of it.

So, It hurts. It hurts when someone I love… who I was once so close with… is but just a memory.

Its life.
People come and go.
Making an impact on who I am… and who I will become.

I will forever be grateful to those lives that changed mine.

I’m… a loner… a wanderer… a nomad of the modern day.

… and I’m learning how to let go.

Smile and Nod,
                            Emily

Friday, January 4, 2013

Sounds better on paper.


My life sounds better on paper, when you smush everything together all at once. You are able to leave out the fact that I’m just as lonely, lost and bored out of my mind as everyone else on the planet.

Its why movies are and hour and a half and never show the mundane and why books don’t go over every single night you laid awake thinking about your life, and where you where headed.

Why no one ever talks about every bathroom break they took. Every awkward conversation, every cup of coffee, every hour they stared out their window thinking there has to be something more.

Nah we like to get to the juicy parts, we like it all neat and tidy in an hour and a half or in 200 pages or less.

Otherwise we get bored. We get bored hearing about real life. We get bored not being constantly entertained by the extraordinary.

So then we all grow up thinking one day something big is going to happen and we will just know. Know who we are supposed to be: find our one true love, fight all the villains, win a war, steal a car, become a cop, dance in the rain, have a moment of clarity, leave a dying declaration.

That’s not how the real world works.

Nah you don’t get everything all in an hour and a half. You spend your whole life not feeling good enough, pretty enough, strong enough.

We all set these crazy expectations for ourselves and sometimes when we look back we can smush our life's together in one impressive paragraph. But that’s not life, no those are moments, seconds, things you didn’t realized mattered until they did.

Smile and Nod,
                        Emily